Reflections

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and you just want to pull out your hair? Saturday was one of those days for me. My house was a mess, the girls were fighting and I've been trying to study for the State boards. I just needed to get away. I told hubby I was going out for my run, and as soon as I walked outside this cool breeze hit my face. The weather was absolutely perfect.

I went down to the corner West of our house, this road is perfect for this fat girl running. It's flat, quiet and not well-traveled, which means no one will see my butt waddling down the road.

The 5k in 100 days is 21 minutes of walking/jogging intervals. It's really hard to enjoy the scenery around you when your panting and dying.  I'm normally running on my treadmill and am not used to jogging outside.  When the timer goes off for me to run I start off strong, and the last few seconds I'm shuffling.  It's as if there are concrete slabs strapped to my legs.






















When the intervals are finally done it's the cool down.  This is Heaven on Earth!  It's a time for reflection and meditation.  I just completed a run that I never ever thought was possible. I feel my legs tingling from doing an awesome workout, and I feel like I can accomplish anything.  I look around me and see the green pastures and wild roses growing on the side of the road. I take in all of the beauty that surrounds me.

Suddenly the stress that was just so overwhelming at the start of my day has completely vanished. A lot of things came to the surface during my walk.  I've been feeling sorry for myself for awhile.  We had a ball game the night before and I just felt out of place with the other moms and dads, it's as if I don't belong.  I know I brought it all on myself.  I tend to push people away, because of my own insecurities.  I read a post on Twitter the other day that said, "The minute you start caring about what other people think, is the minute you stop being yourself." I honestly think that is what I have been doing since I moved up here.  I've lost who I am. 



This run made me realize that I belong here and that I am worthy.  I changed the title of my blog to Kristy Gets Fit...My Personal Discovery of Self-Worth. I've been putting my self down for so long and I've been medicating with food. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.  God has made this beautiful planet for us to LIVE.  Not walk around with blinders on missing out on all of the beauty and only focusing on the negative. I deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else.

Why do I push everyone away? Is it because I feel like I don't deserve to be happy? Why do I hate myself so much?  These were the thoughts that were bombarding me during my walk.

I realize that I have a long ways to go, but I'm slowly learning to like myself again.  Hopefully soon I can learn to love myself and feel that I am worthy.  As I walked up to the house the girls were outside playing with the dogs, and the front room was completely picked up. I have a wonderful family who loves me very much and it's time for me to realize just how lucky I am.