Note to self...

"Do not take anything to clean the colon before going on an 8 hour drive." I think I saw every public restroom between Kansas and Missouri. The Intestinal Formula I was taking really works, possibly too good.

We had a great time on our trip, hubby had to fix a cattle chute out by Branson, Mo and we decided to make a trip out of it. We took the girls to see Dixie Stampede and spent some time in the hotel swimming, well the girls and daddy went swimming, I stayed in the room and read a book. This trip really opened my eyes about everything I was missing. The entire time I kept talking to myself, "Man, your legs are huge." "I hope there's room for my big butt at the show." "These jeans show every roll in my legs." I didn't have as much fun, because I was too busy insulting myself and putting myself down.

I bought a book on the suggestion of a friend, and saw other people's blogs who recommended it, and started reading it on the trip. It's really opened my eyes about how I treat myself, and it's no wonder I have a weight problem, or should I say an eating problem. The book is called "Women, Food, and God." It talks about eating when you're hungry, which I don't think I know what that feels like. It also teaches you about telling that little voice in your head to Shut up. It's that voice that tells me, "I'm fat." "I don't amount to anything." "You might as well eat, you're never going to lose this weight." It's that voice that has controlled me for years. It's the voice that has told me time and time again that I'm not worth it, and that I don't deserve to be happy. I've really learned a lot from this book and I found out that Oprah did a series on it and she has notes about each chapter on her website. I plan on going through the book again following along with the notes. Hopefully, I can finally love myself instead of insulting myself all of the time.

~~ S T R E S S E D ~~

Ugh...My husband just called and asked what I'm doing for the next two days,  I told him, "nothing much, why?"  He's needing to go out of town for work and is wanting to make a work funded vacay out of it.  I'm all for a vacation on his work and it sounds like a lot of fun, but this is the worst time to do it.  I'm just starting my weight loss plan and now this.  I'm not one to turn down a free vacation, so we will be leaving in the morning, but plan on being back Saturday.  I'm putting off my 5K program until Sunday, but I will still be following Weight Watchers while I'm gone.

Now for why I am stressed. I'm getting ready to start Summer school, because I'm needing two classes before starting the RN program in August.  These classes start May 31.  I was hoping to take my State Boards before I had to go back to school, but I still haven't received my ATT letter (Authorization To Test) It's beginning to Piss me off. My other classmates have received their letter, and I'm not understanding why I haven't received mine.  My instructor has sent in all of my paperwork, I had a 4.0 gpa,  I've paid the necessary fees, so where is my letter?  Sorry...I'm venting!  It's just now I'm going to have to wait until my Summer classes are over before I take the boards, because I want to give all of my concentration to this test.  I'm just afraid the longer I wait the harder it will be. 

My girls have been fighting all day, you've got to love Summer.  My oldest has been sick the past two days with a fever, headache and throwing up.  She's finally better as you can see with the comment above about the fighting.  My youngest came home from the sitter and her eye was beet red, there was a little girl at her sitters who had pink eye, so I was praying that wasn't it.  Her eyes are clearing up and they never did get the eye boogers that comes along with pink eye, so I'm thinking it's allergies.  I've just been really stressed the past few days, not to mention I'm PMSing and everyone and everything is rubbing me the wrong way. Being an emotional eater it's been really hard to stay out of the kitchen and eating everything in site. So here I am venting to my blog in order to stay out of the kitchen.  I'm just so frustrated! Okay, I'm done now :)

I do want to say that my thoughts and prayers go out to all of you that have been affected by the tornadoes and floods.  It's really sad and scary to watch the news and see the destruction. Living in Kansas it keeps us more aware and thankful for what we have.  Hugs to all of you!

Up Close and Personal....

Let me introduce myself, My name is Kristy and I'm a full-time nursing student.  The before picture above was my graduation picture from the LPN program that was taken in March 2011.  I was so disgusted by how much weight I had gained, and this photo will forever be on the wall at my school.  I will be starting the RN program in August, and I'm saving the After frame above for my RN graduation photo that will be taken around this time next year. I plan to be 100 pounds thinner.

Wedding day 2001

 A little bit of history on me.  I've always felt that I had a weight problem, but looking back at childhood pictures I was a normal sized child.  I started gaining most of my weight after graduation.  I would hover around the 230 mark for so long that I just accepted that was my weight and I was just big boned, I didn't look that large.  Boy, did I have myself fooled.  It was in 1998 that I started to do kickboxing, which led to better food choices and I lost 60 pounds.  I was so happy with the way I looked and my self confidence went through the roof.  This is when I met my current husband, he was a farmer/rancher and lived 140 miles away on his family farm.  I fell hard for that man in those tight wrangler jeans and that cowboy hat.  Needless to say, we decided to take our relationship to the next level and got engaged to be married.  I knew deep down that I would never get this country boy to move to the big city, his roots were just too deep.  I decided to quit my job, sell my house and say goodbye to my family and friends and moved 140 miles away from everything I ever knew, it's amazing what Love will make us do. 

I started working at a University that was over 50 miles away, living in the country every place is quite a drive.  I really enjoyed the job, but felt so distant from my family and friends and the depression began to set in.  My grandma was in the hospital and had a stroke and the guilt that I felt was enormous, because I wasn't there.  I started to gain a little weight, but not enough to really notice.  I did keep up my exercise by walking the country roads, and my husband told me not to walk during harvest, because the trucks might not see me and I could get run over, his uncle couldn't believe that I would go out walking because of all of the rabid animals running around...Paranoid much? I was getting there.  I continued working at the University until 09/11,  It's one of those days that will forever be stuck in my head. I live in Kansas, but the impact of that day affected the entire world.  I remember the lines of cars waiting to get fuel, because of the scare of gas prices going through the roof, and people were so concerned about anthrax coming in the mail.  It was then that I decided I didn't want to work so far from home.  I lived in a very small town that was basically closed when I left for work and closed when I came home.  I never saw a single soul, but everyone knew everything about me, and what they didn't know they just made up.  My depression was deepening.

 I finally got a job at the coop, and took a $4.00/hr paycut, but working so close to home seemed worth it at the time.  I got pregnant with our first child.  I was very uncomfortable with the gals that I worked with, they had lived in this small town for so long, and knew everyone that walked in, and talked about everyone.  The gossip was really starting to get to me.  I started eating lunch at my desk, and was becoming paranoid that they were now talking about me.  I came home in tears on a regular basis, which coud have been due to my hormones since I was pregnant. My husband was always there for me, and encouraged me to get out and meet people, but I just got to the point that I wanted to stay in the house and not deal with the "stereotype" that I had now put on all small town folks.  I then found out that someone was spreading very hurtful rumors about me, this is someone that I didn't even know.  I just wanted to move back home where I never had an enemy, and I was friends with everyone that I met.  Let me remind you that my hormones were raging and with the move, the pregnancy, the stroke of my grandma and the wedding,  I know now that I was in a severe depression state at the time, and I'm sure that alot of my reasoning was mainly in my head.



My girls ~ Christmas 2010



After the birth of my daughter, I had severe post partum depression, go figure.  I cried over everything  and  my doctor had put me on some medication until my hormones straightened themselves out. When I got pregnant I weighed 220 pounds and after her birth I weighed in at my famous 230 pounds.  I was a stay at home mom for the first year of her life and a friend of mine asked if I had ever thought about becoming a nurse?  In a small community, nursing is the occupation to be in.  I decided to work as a CNA at the hospital to see if I would enjoy being a nurse, and it was the first time in a long time I was happy.  I loved caring for the patients and I was starting to feel like my old self again.  I got pregnant with my second daughter at 230 pounds and ballooned up to 280 pounds at nine months.  I was induced because of preeclampsia and major edema.  After giving birth to her I left the hospital at 250 pounds.  That is 30 pounds of baby and fluids.  I was 250 pounds for over a year and decided that enough was enough.  My mom and sister had lost quite a bit of weight going on the hCG diet and they talked me into starting the diet.

I started the hCG diet in 2008 and I got down to 205 pounds, but the extremes of the diet was just too much, and I was beginning to feel comfortable with the way that I was looking.  I even had people tell me that I was getting too thin, can you believe being too thin at 205 pounds?  I ended up getting a job as a certified dialysis technician and put my schooling off for a little while and began to get comfortable and started back to my old ways of eating.  When I started back to school full-time I weighed in again at my famous 230 pounds.  The stress of school, family and bills, because we're a one income family, has made me turn to food to medicate my stress.  I am now weighing in at a whopping 270 pounds.  I'm sick just thinking about it.

My life in this small town has calmed down a bit, but I have to admit that I do not have any friends that live close.  I've made some wonderful friends at school, which is 50 miles away.  I know that most of my feelings about the people in my small town is all in my head, but I'm embarrassed about my weight and feel like everyone is talking about me, because of my exposure to all of the gossip when I first moved here over 10 years ago.  It's just really hard to fit in when everyone around you has grown up together and you're an outsider.  I admit that I have not given anyone a real chance to get to know me, and I'm sure that if I ever did that I would have great friends, but how can anyone like you when you don't even like yourself?

That is where I am right now, I just want to apologize for making this so long and personal, but I know that in order to get to the bottom of my weight issues I need to be honest with myself.  I had so many friends before moving here, and got along with everyone.  I loved to laugh and crack jokes and enjoyed helping others. I want to find that person again. I plan on using this blog to help shed the pounds and the emotional baggage in order to love myself again.